#Reverb14: One Word

What one word could describe your 2014? What word will you use to set your intentions for next year?

Chaotic.

No better way to describe it. So many changes with school, with work, with my family. Its really been a chaotic year.

I stepped into a new role at work and its been one adventure after another as I've grown and learned so many new skills. I've adapted to the added responsibilities, but still trying to adapt to the added stresses.

School has been a blur. Its been difficult to find the time to sit and study when I feel like I've been so on the go with work. So many hours extra each week of work, take away from the hours I have to study. Its difficult to organize time when I'm so focused on work. There are some major positives that have come from that, but I'm not proud of the negatives. Particularly the fact that I had to push off my graduation by 6 months. But I'll get to end soon!

In addition to my own schooling, after trying ALL YEAR to get accepted, my husband started a 2 year program this fall for his own degree. I am so incredibly proud of him and progress he's made. Its added an extra schedule challenge to navigate, but we are working through it and starting to find our rhythm.

Next year, all the best intentions will be made to make the year Adventurous! Next year, Caveman and I will take a 10 day vacation to Florida for tons of fun, and will also be saving all our pennies for moving to a house. We are so excited to find a place of our OWN - no longer being in apartments, but finding a home that we can call ours and have a yard for our pups. I can't wait for the adventure to come in 2015!

#Reverb14: Ritual and Routine

What tiny rituals: signal that your day is starting; help you ease into a creative project; give you closure from an intensive task; or mark other significant milestones in your day? What new rituals would you like to create in the new year?

The alarm goes off, the dog starts whining, and eyes struggle to open... that's the start of my day. My day can't start unless the puppies are trying to keep me snuggled in bed! But once I roll out of bed, its the glass of water and frantic dash to get ready to get out the door!

Big tasks at work are the norm. Its never a bunch of small things to do, its tons of big tasks that need lots of attention and lots of work. But I don't start until I have a hiding session! Never fails, whenever a big project starts, I find a focus room at work, shut the shades, and sit with just my thoughts and a blank page and detail out the project. Its the only way for my mind to stay focused throughout the duration of the project.

Finishing tasks is the same every time - Celebratory lunch and drinks! Nothing feels better about finishing a huge project, then getting all the players together to let off steam, talk about the successes, bond together, and then jump right into the next task!

Next year, rituals are going to take up my day. I feel the only way to bring organization to my chaotic days is to start mapping it out from the minute I open my eyes to the minute I close them. One thing I realize thought, and that I am conditioning my mind to remember, is that if things don't go 100% the way I want - its okay. there will be detours, there will be different paths taken, but at least if I've planned from the beginning, I've taken an effort to direct my day in a positive manner!

#Reverb14: Show your selfie!

Please post your favorite picture of yourself from 2014, self-portrait or otherwise!

Celebrated 5 years with this man! My favorite pic of the year. nothing makes my life better than knowing he's beside me all the time!

#Reverb14: Coulda woulda shoulda

What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure?  Are you going to do it next year?  Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?

There are a lot of things I didn't do this year that I wanted to - but none of them were because I was too scared, afraid, or unsure.

I wanted to save money to buy a house - but instead, we wound up buying a reliable car that we can both drive and solved our transportation problem. A House will be there when we are finally ready to buy

I wanted to have my degree finished this year - but the responsibilities of my work didn't leave me much time. The benefit is that I'm applying what I'm learning to work and reaping the career benefits. Just means I'll have to finish early next year!

Of all the things on my list this year to do, nothing was too important that if it didn't get done, the world would end. I will say that next year, I will have a plan to tackle financial and personal tasks that I DO want to complete IN 2015!

#Reverb14: Gorgeous

When did you feel beautiful this year?  Why?

The Beach life is for me!

There are not many times when I feel beautiful. More often then not, I just feel down and depressed about myself. I have a great husband and career and life, but my looks upset me because of my weight. but then there are days where I just love ME. I love who I am, the way I look and the eenvironment I'm in. This year - nothing made me feel more beautiful than a weekend at the Beach! I felt totally in my element - happy as a clam, smiling from ear to ear, and looking like a Rockstar!

I'm working on the self esteem. I'm working on feeling comfortable in my skin. I've even started getting back on a healthy living track - making permanent changes for sustainable healthy living. I used to always feel beautiful - I want that feeling again!

#Reverb14: At the Start

My favorite part of December is the #Reverb blog challenge.

This year, though, is an important one. I have only done 1 blog post all year. Not that I'm super consistent with my blogging in the first place, but only 1 is not normal. and its been a challenging year. When I needed to be writing to releieve my stress, instead I ignored it. So - lets start #Reverb14 with a bang!

At the start: Where did you start 2014?  Give us some background on this year.

Wow! The start of 2014 was a crazy ride. Literally! With a job offer I couldn't refuse, we packed up everything we had, Hubby in the moving truck and me in the car, and we moved back to Washington, after only a short 6 months living in Idaho. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done. When I was offered the job to come back, it took almost 2 weeks to make a decision. As we started on our journey, it only took 1 hour for me to start crying as we drove down the mountain. I was leaving my mom, my lil sister, my brother. The people I loved the most and had wanted to be closer to and suddenly I was leaving. It was definitely rough. But I got through it. I threw myself into my work to try and ease my stress.

Then February came. I've faced a lot of hardships in my life and gotten through every one of them. But February was the roughest thing I've ever experienced. After months of trying, Caveman and I were finally pregnant. And then suddenly we weren't. It was the hardest thing I'd ever experienced.

Its not how I wanted to start my year. Its not what I wanted to carry with me all year either. The start of the year followed me through the rest of the year and have partially held me back. Its time for them to move on though. Its time for me to move on. I want to refresh my mind and my outlook with what is left of 2014 and begin 2015 with the heart, mind, and courage I know I have inside me!

I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up...

I debated writing this. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts on why I shouldn't and why I should. but then I realized that this is my life, this is my release and this is what I want to say. I need to get this off my chest and this is where I go to do that! I'm keeping a lot of details to myself, but I feel just sharing a little will help me heal.

Most people who know us personally know that Caveman and I are trying to start a family. We've decided that if we keep 'waiting' for the time to be right, then we will be waiting forever. We've been able to tackle any obstacle that has come our way and know that we could do the same if there was a small one in our life. We've done so much and want nothing more than to share the world with a little 'squid'. All the travelling I was doing when we were in Idaho made it difficult for us to try, but we try we did!. And every month that 'Shark Week' came to visit was just another month that we would keep trying. Now, we haven't gone full crazy with trying to conceive. Yes, I have an app that tracks certain things, but we haven't gotten kits or tracked temperatures or anything like that. We've just been trying the old fashioned way!

A couple weeks ago, 'Shark Week' was supposed to come to town. Only, something was different. I was feeling nauseous, I was exhausted, and I was just feeling off. I thought maybe it was the flu that was going around or the fact that I was working so much, but a week into no 'Shark Week' and I realized what it was. I stayed calm and didn't want to tell anyone yet, but inside I was so excited to think it had finally happened.

Caveman took me to the store to get a test after about 10 days and I was kinda shocked when the first one said it was negative. But then I took a second test and it was a faint positive. I figured, after all I've read, that maybe it truly was too soon to tell and that we would just need to wait another week. Regardless though, this was slightly exciting and I was just trying to not get all gleaming! My Facebook feed has been a baby frenzy lately! Friends I know who were pregnant already were either finding out what they were having or having their babies in the last month (3 born in the last 3 weeks!!)- I was kinda excited to soon tell others we were next!

And then Super Bowl Sunday came. And I felt off - only this time it was a bad off. Suddenly I was having the worst cramps in the world. I hid it all day because I was just too excited for the game, but inside I felt like something was terribly wrong. When the game was over, Caveman drove us home and the cramps just got worse. I seriously thought my insides were turning upside down.

By morning, it had started. My body was giving up and whatever had started to grow inside me was coming out, and it was painful. The first few days I kept telling myself that maybe I was just imagining it. Maybe I just thought there was something there because I wanted it so bad. Maybe the first test I took was the right one and the second one was a trick. And then came the evidence, what I didn't want to see - and then came the tears.

After cleaning up and calming down, I called the doctor and explained everything and she confirmed what I didn't want to hear - I was having a miscarriage. It was early enough that she said my body would take care of it, but that I needed to keep a positive outlook. She said that obviously my body wanted to create something, but perhaps it just wasn't time yet. After all the stress I had been under, it was probably a good thing to happen now. Whether it was a good thing or not, it was still incredibly emotional. The worst part is I was at work and had to keep my composure so as not to break down in front of everyone.

The cramps and pain subsided by early Saturday morning. I had woken up at 3am and went and laid on the couch. As I laid there with my cat (the dogs were in the bedroom with Caveman), my phone went off. A good friend of mine, who I had told what was going on, had sent me the following picture. The truth in the image caused me to start crying - a good cry - a cry I needed to have on my own.

It hurts - its hard to know that my body gave up on something that I wanted so bad. But I also believe that when the time is right, the forces that be will let it happen. I need to remember that my life is already so full. When me and my body get on the same page, magic will happen and Caveman and I will get our wish.

Above all, this small experience has really opened my eyes to life, to my life. The stress I put myself under trying to be the damn best I can - Its led me to many things, but has lost me many things in the process. I need to remember that I'm just one person and I can only do so much. And had it not been for the amazing support of my wonderful husband and my best friend over the last few days, I probably would have lost it. Both of them have made this whole experience much easier to process and get through. I love them both so much for all the little things they say and do to make me feel better!

 I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up. I will think positively and continue to pray that the forces that be bless me and the Caveman when the time is right.