Monday, February 10, 2014

I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up...

I debated writing this. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts on why I shouldn't and why I should. but then I realized that this is my life, this is my release and this is what I want to say. I need to get this off my chest and this is where I go to do that! I'm keeping a lot of details to myself, but I feel just sharing a little will help me heal.

Most people who know us personally know that Caveman and I are trying to start a family. We've decided that if we keep 'waiting' for the time to be right, then we will be waiting forever. We've been able to tackle any obstacle that has come our way and know that we could do the same if there was a small one in our life. We've done so much and want nothing more than to share the world with a little 'squid'. All the travelling I was doing when we were in Idaho made it difficult for us to try, but we try we did!. And every month that 'Shark Week' came to visit was just another month that we would keep trying. Now, we haven't gone full crazy with trying to conceive. Yes, I have an app that tracks certain things, but we haven't gotten kits or tracked temperatures or anything like that. We've just been trying the old fashioned way!

A couple weeks ago, 'Shark Week' was supposed to come to town. Only, something was different. I was feeling nauseous, I was exhausted, and I was just feeling off. I thought maybe it was the flu that was going around or the fact that I was working so much, but a week into no 'Shark Week' and I realized what it was. I stayed calm and didn't want to tell anyone yet, but inside I was so excited to think it had finally happened.

Caveman took me to the store to get a test after about 10 days and I was kinda shocked when the first one said it was negative. But then I took a second test and it was a faint positive. I figured, after all I've read, that maybe it truly was too soon to tell and that we would just need to wait another week. Regardless though, this was slightly exciting and I was just trying to not get all gleaming! My Facebook feed has been a baby frenzy lately! Friends I know who were pregnant already were either finding out what they were having or having their babies in the last month (3 born in the last 3 weeks!!)- I was kinda excited to soon tell others we were next!

And then Super Bowl Sunday came. And I felt off - only this time it was a bad off. Suddenly I was having the worst cramps in the world. I hid it all day because I was just too excited for the game, but inside I felt like something was terribly wrong. When the game was over, Caveman drove us home and the cramps just got worse. I seriously thought my insides were turning upside down.

By morning, it had started. My body was giving up and whatever had started to grow inside me was coming out, and it was painful. The first few days I kept telling myself that maybe I was just imagining it. Maybe I just thought there was something there because I wanted it so bad. Maybe the first test I took was the right one and the second one was a trick. And then came the evidence, what I didn't want to see - and then came the tears.

After cleaning up and calming down, I called the doctor and explained everything and she confirmed what I didn't want to hear - I was having a miscarriage. It was early enough that she said my body would take care of it, but that I needed to keep a positive outlook. She said that obviously my body wanted to create something, but perhaps it just wasn't time yet. After all the stress I had been under, it was probably a good thing to happen now. Whether it was a good thing or not, it was still incredibly emotional. The worst part is I was at work and had to keep my composure so as not to break down in front of everyone.

The cramps and pain subsided by early Saturday morning. I had woken up at 3am and went and laid on the couch. As I laid there with my cat (the dogs were in the bedroom with Caveman), my phone went off. A good friend of mine, who I had told what was going on, had sent me the following picture. The truth in the image caused me to start crying - a good cry - a cry I needed to have on my own.

It hurts - its hard to know that my body gave up on something that I wanted so bad. But I also believe that when the time is right, the forces that be will let it happen. I need to remember that my life is already so full. When me and my body get on the same page, magic will happen and Caveman and I will get our wish.

Above all, this small experience has really opened my eyes to life, to my life. The stress I put myself under trying to be the damn best I can - Its led me to many things, but has lost me many things in the process. I need to remember that I'm just one person and I can only do so much. And had it not been for the amazing support of my wonderful husband and my best friend over the last few days, I probably would have lost it. Both of them have made this whole experience much easier to process and get through. I love them both so much for all the little things they say and do to make me feel better!

 I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up. I will think positively and continue to pray that the forces that be bless me and the Caveman when the time is right.