*Side note: its taken almost 2 weeks to write this post! I get so sidetracked that I just stopped writing a few times*
My mind has been a giant mess of everything lately. So much going on. So much to do. and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have my friends. Yes, I've talked about some things to them. But I want more than just a friend telling me I'm fine and I need to not worry. I feel like something is really wrong with me. I've realized lately that this all comes in phases. I have times where I'm TOTALLY fine. and then there are times like lately, where I just feel completely lost.
Here's what is going on with me lately:
AWESOME!! I freaking love my job! There isn't anything else I'd rather be doing (aside from sitting on a sunny beach with an ice cold beverage) than working where I do and getting the experience and exposure that I get on a daily basis. I often get frustrated with the speed of things, but most people who know me know that i'm impatient sometimes. I like seeing results or completing things QUICKLY! The only real problem I have with work is People.
Now, I don't mean that I hate everyone I work with. I really do work with an amazing mix of people. My issue is the attitude. I'm tired of this child mentality at work "oh, why should I act like an adult if they are just going to treat us like kids?" I've encountered this in prior places of employment - but seriously, GROW UP!! Management is going to treat you like a child until you can SHOW them you aren't one. And the excuse "but they've always treated us like this..." doesn't matter to me. To me that just means that you've ALWAYS acted like a child!
I bust my ass every day to prove that I'm worth being there. To earn my paycheck. To gain respect and responsibility. Why is it that not everyone can be like that? Am I really THAT abnormal? Do people just NOT work hard anymore?!
Stuck. Stalled. Halted. Hung Up. I think I could come up with a bazillion words for how the last 6 weeks have gone. I started the year great - lost 3 lbs the first week. Then gained. Then lost. Then gained. Then Gained...... then cried!! I was working so hard, but things just kept slipping away from me. I was tired. I was craving sweets. I wanted pizza, pasta, cookies, candy. All the things I only have in moderation, I was GORGING myself on. The worst part was when Josh decided to start working out and cutting out soda. It made me look bad getting a 20oz Pepsi while he drank his juice. Ugh.
My bestie Mia and I have been challenging each other each week for the past month or so. The week before Valentine's day, she challenged me to 30 minutes of exercise, NOT including walking, every day. I did it. Reluctantly! and I lost all the weight I had gained since New Years! It really refreshed me! That, combined with a glorious 4 day vacation, really put my weight loss goals back in perspective and put me back on track.
I know its not the number that really matters - but right now, to me, it is! I need better/nicer/fancier clothes for work and I've got a half a wardrobe of clothes just 1 size too small!! If I could just fit into them, I wouldn't have to go shopping for clothes for a while! I just need to stay on track and stop letting little things get to me.
Oy. This is going to be a long section!
I know my financial situation is nothing compared to some, but for me, its the source of the majority of my stress. It makes me cry over how frustrating it can be.
I posted in December about filing for Bankruptcy. I plan to write a post soon about how I got to this point and why I chose this as my option. I can tell you know, I never EVER thought I would get to where I am now and have to choose this option. I am smart, responsible, and money conscious. But there were some decisions I made and some relationships that screwed me over (romantic and friendly - that have now been ended) that led me to where I am.
While I make enough to pay the bills and the essentials - that's about all I can afford. Josh hasn't worked since November and has been planning to go back to school. Since he can't find work and is only on unemployment, that leaves me to make sure that all the bills are covered. The bills, in general, aren't any more than what I was paying when I lived on my own, but the RENT here is insane. The rent where we live is FAR too much - and because of it, its very difficult to save any money so we can move to a smaller/cheaper place. We HAVE to move in July when our lease is up, because I refuse to stay in this place any longer. Its a small apartment and we have 2 dogs who need a yard. People around here don't clean up after their animals, so I'm constantly having to clean the dogs feet after I take them outside. And just this last week, Josh's car was broken into. The intent was to move in January, but with Josh being laid off, we couldn't afford to move.
Additionally, we HAD to sign a new lease extending us to July. If we had just gone month to month, we would have had to pay over $200 more a month. I have a hard enough time covering rent BEFORE it went up, so now its just even more rough. After the roommate(s) left at the beginning of the 2011 (btw, 1 was on the lease that didn't expire until January 2012, and basically tricked us into getting his name OFF the lease), with only 2 days notice, Josh and I have been struggling every month to make ends meet. And at the time, Josh was only working 20 hours a week, and it wasn't enough to really help. Him not working now has just made it worse. The financial situation is just hitting me really hard lately. I didn't think it would. I really thought we could manage this just fine. I try to stick to a budget/ I try not to let things get to out of control. But in the last few weeks, Its stressing me out so much its making me sick.
In addition to just paying the bills and trying to save to move in July, we have 2 out of state weddings to attend, 1 of which I am in. The travel expenses are not cheap and it worries me every day that something is going to go wrong and I'm going to wind up letting someone down. For me, its more than just going to the wedding. Its a vacation. An escape from work, from home, from life in Washington, and a chance to regroup. So for my health and sanity's sake, making these travel arrangements is needed.
Oh, and we only have 1 car - Josh's. I really need to get a car of my own, but I can't afford it. I can't afford a car payment, insurance, or even gas to keep it running. Part of my bills is my Student loans - and even consolidated to as few loans as possible, I still pay a ton each month. I was able to afford a car until I had to start paying on my loans. :( I'll be paying on my loans till I'm 60!
I just keep praying that Josh get accepted into the program he wants for school and can find a job soon. Otherwise I'm going to have to get REAL creative with our budget.
In general, I feel like things are going well. If you didn't know me, and you took a look at my life, you would think I was doing great! But ultimately, something just feels off. Outside of everything listed above, I just feel like something is missing. I see my friends and the lives they have. I know none of us have the ideal life, but sometimes I think I'm missing out. Almost all of my closest friends are married and/or have kids. No matter what gets them down, they have their family to lean on, to protect, and to nurture. I want that. I feel like I'm so behind. I had a plan, I had goals, I had dreams. By the time I went to my 10 year reunion, there were things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Guess what? 10 year reunion is in 6 months. And the only thing I've managed to accomplish is rack up a F*&# ton of school debt and find a job I really enjoy. But I want that family fulfillment. I have my dogs. They are my "kids", but its just not the same. Why do I feel empty?
I'm sure I could write a ton more, but this is about all I can spill right now. I just needed to get some things out and clear my head.
Peace and Good JuJu,