Goodbye 2014 - Hello 2015!

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” –Nelson Mandela

2014 is over. Wow. I can't believe it. The year of insanity is complete and a fresh start is staring right at me. As I start putting the pieces in place to make the most of 2014, I can't help but breakdown 2014 and look at where I'm coming from. I would have to say, 2014 has been one of the roughest years in recent memory. For multiple reasons. Its hard to keep hiding behind a smile when you are falling apart on the inside - but that's how I got through 2014. In 2015 - I will make the smile genuine and eliminate the pain and anger inside!

2014 started with Family! But also a sad goodbye. I celebrated the New Year with those closest to me, spent the 1st day with my wonderful family and by the 2nd day of the new year I was driving away from Idaho and back to Washington to start the next chapter of my career and my life with the Caveman. It was just as much of a gamble as it was when we had moved to Idaho in the first place. I don't regret leaving, but I do regret not getting the most out of the time I was there and getting to spend as much time as possible with family I rarely see once a year as it is. 

2014 started with a new home! And as we moved into our tiny 2 bedroom apartment, we started making plans for our future. Caveman and I decided it was time to start thinking forward and making changes for a great future. A Fresh outlook for him in regards to school, a new opportunity with my job - it was time to be the adults we knew we were and start living that way. We started making the financial decisions necessary to start saving for our own home. And while we didn't accomplish moving in 2014, we are making the changes needed to soon making owning a home a reality.

2014 started with a devastating loss. By the first week of February, I thought my world was going to end. After many months of trying to get pregnant, I finally had a positive test. The excitement was almost too much. I knew I couldn't call it official until I went to the doctor, but I had plans to go as soon as I could get an appointment scheduled! It took everything I had not to tell everyone at the Super Bowl party we attended - but I didn't. And then that's when it happened. Midway through the 3rd quarter of an amazing football game, I started losing the one thing I had wanted all year. Having a miscarriage at the beginning of the year doesn't really help setup hope for a great year. And outside of writing a blog post about it, I really didn't TALK to anyone about it except the Caveman and 2 of my best friends. Which lead to the middle of 2014.

The middle of 2014 was a blur. From my 5 year together-versary with the Caveman (March 2nd) to our 2 year wedding anniversary (August 25th), I felt like I was in a constant state of confusion and blur. While I had celebrations for my 30th Birthday and hung out with some friends, I essentially cut everyone out of my life and focused on just work. I even fell behind in my schooling. It felt like one bad thing happened after another. The events of February constantly sitting on me, preventing me from moving forward, Caveman couldn't get into the school he wanted and had a hard time finding a job, and without any clue why, my step-dad left my mom after 23 years together. I felt like my world was just going to end.

The middle of 2014 was frustrating.  My cousin got married and for the first time in YEARS, my ENTIRE family was together. All my cousins and aunts and my Grammy and it was great to have them all together. Being able to be with my family was amazing. And with everything going on with my mom, it was great to have everyone around her to support her. I pushed everything I felt to the side and just wanted to celebrate a great event with my family and show my mom that her family is always by her side and we could get through anything. And then another blow - when my little brother told me that I was going to be an aunt - him and his girlfriend were going to have a baby - due the day before my 31st birthday! There was a rush of excitement for them. I was so thrilled to have a new baby in the family and so excited for the two of them to start this great journey together. And then instantly a rush of jealousy and anger. It was supposed to be ME! I'm the one who has worked hard and been trying to have a baby. It was so difficult for me to get over. I felt like I was finally starting to move forward and what should be amazing news, just put me 2 steps back.

The middle of 2014 was refreshing. By the end of August, I finally got to take time off from work. I had been so focused on my work all year, working tons of extra hours, that I hadn't gotten any time off. I wound up taking a whole week off at the end of August so that Caveman and I could celebrate our 2-year anniversary and then attend a huge Gaming expo. We booked a couple days in Ocean Shores at a hotel on the beach and headed for a weekend of relaxation. And that's where I recovered. That's where my heart healed and decided to move forward. That's where I realized that I have the one thing other people don't have in their lives - Caveman. Through everything I endured, he never missed a beat and was there for me every second! Happy, Sad, Mad, Teary, Laughing - all of it - he was right there. And all he wanted was for me to be happy. How could I not be happy when I have such an amazing person to share my life with?! I took the rest of the week off I had and started putting goals in place for the rest of 2014 to rebuild.

The end of 2014 was rebuilding! After the week off I had at the end of August - I felt rejuvenated. I felt I had everything I needed, I just needed to start small and start rebuilding myself to where I was - and keep moving forward! Caveman finally got into school and secured a much better job. My company took VERY good care of me this year and has made all the sacrifices worth it. My family has never been more supportive of me, and vice versa. I'm finally getting back on track with school and will be graduated by May 2015. I'm getting my health back in order, something that suffered desperately this year. I'm rebuilding friendships I tossed on the back burner for a while. I'm working on bettering myself and organizing my life to make the positive changes I want and need!

2015 will be MY YEAR. I'm on track to make 2015 the most EXPLOSIVELY AWESOME year ever! Caveman and I are taking steps in our careers to secure us for a lifetime. We are taking steps to get a home of our own (no more apartments). And once we get back from a huge vacation in May, we will be taking steps to become parents. I know we will have a family one day, even if it means adopting a child who needs a home. Everything happens for a reason. 2014 needed to happen so that I could find my footing again and hit the road running in 2015!

"You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain." ~ Tom Hiddleston

#Reverb14: One Word

What one word could describe your 2014? What word will you use to set your intentions for next year?

Chaotic.

No better way to describe it. So many changes with school, with work, with my family. Its really been a chaotic year.

I stepped into a new role at work and its been one adventure after another as I've grown and learned so many new skills. I've adapted to the added responsibilities, but still trying to adapt to the added stresses.

School has been a blur. Its been difficult to find the time to sit and study when I feel like I've been so on the go with work. So many hours extra each week of work, take away from the hours I have to study. Its difficult to organize time when I'm so focused on work. There are some major positives that have come from that, but I'm not proud of the negatives. Particularly the fact that I had to push off my graduation by 6 months. But I'll get to end soon!

In addition to my own schooling, after trying ALL YEAR to get accepted, my husband started a 2 year program this fall for his own degree. I am so incredibly proud of him and progress he's made. Its added an extra schedule challenge to navigate, but we are working through it and starting to find our rhythm.

Next year, all the best intentions will be made to make the year Adventurous! Next year, Caveman and I will take a 10 day vacation to Florida for tons of fun, and will also be saving all our pennies for moving to a house. We are so excited to find a place of our OWN - no longer being in apartments, but finding a home that we can call ours and have a yard for our pups. I can't wait for the adventure to come in 2015!

#Reverb14: Ritual and Routine

What tiny rituals: signal that your day is starting; help you ease into a creative project; give you closure from an intensive task; or mark other significant milestones in your day? What new rituals would you like to create in the new year?

The alarm goes off, the dog starts whining, and eyes struggle to open... that's the start of my day. My day can't start unless the puppies are trying to keep me snuggled in bed! But once I roll out of bed, its the glass of water and frantic dash to get ready to get out the door!

Big tasks at work are the norm. Its never a bunch of small things to do, its tons of big tasks that need lots of attention and lots of work. But I don't start until I have a hiding session! Never fails, whenever a big project starts, I find a focus room at work, shut the shades, and sit with just my thoughts and a blank page and detail out the project. Its the only way for my mind to stay focused throughout the duration of the project.

Finishing tasks is the same every time - Celebratory lunch and drinks! Nothing feels better about finishing a huge project, then getting all the players together to let off steam, talk about the successes, bond together, and then jump right into the next task!

Next year, rituals are going to take up my day. I feel the only way to bring organization to my chaotic days is to start mapping it out from the minute I open my eyes to the minute I close them. One thing I realize thought, and that I am conditioning my mind to remember, is that if things don't go 100% the way I want - its okay. there will be detours, there will be different paths taken, but at least if I've planned from the beginning, I've taken an effort to direct my day in a positive manner!

#Reverb14: Show your selfie!

Please post your favorite picture of yourself from 2014, self-portrait or otherwise!

Celebrated 5 years with this man! My favorite pic of the year. nothing makes my life better than knowing he's beside me all the time!

#Reverb14: Coulda woulda shoulda

What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure?  Are you going to do it next year?  Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?

There are a lot of things I didn't do this year that I wanted to - but none of them were because I was too scared, afraid, or unsure.

I wanted to save money to buy a house - but instead, we wound up buying a reliable car that we can both drive and solved our transportation problem. A House will be there when we are finally ready to buy

I wanted to have my degree finished this year - but the responsibilities of my work didn't leave me much time. The benefit is that I'm applying what I'm learning to work and reaping the career benefits. Just means I'll have to finish early next year!

Of all the things on my list this year to do, nothing was too important that if it didn't get done, the world would end. I will say that next year, I will have a plan to tackle financial and personal tasks that I DO want to complete IN 2015!

#Reverb14: Gorgeous

When did you feel beautiful this year?  Why?

The Beach life is for me!

There are not many times when I feel beautiful. More often then not, I just feel down and depressed about myself. I have a great husband and career and life, but my looks upset me because of my weight. but then there are days where I just love ME. I love who I am, the way I look and the eenvironment I'm in. This year - nothing made me feel more beautiful than a weekend at the Beach! I felt totally in my element - happy as a clam, smiling from ear to ear, and looking like a Rockstar!

I'm working on the self esteem. I'm working on feeling comfortable in my skin. I've even started getting back on a healthy living track - making permanent changes for sustainable healthy living. I used to always feel beautiful - I want that feeling again!

#Reverb14: At the Start

My favorite part of December is the #Reverb blog challenge.

This year, though, is an important one. I have only done 1 blog post all year. Not that I'm super consistent with my blogging in the first place, but only 1 is not normal. and its been a challenging year. When I needed to be writing to releieve my stress, instead I ignored it. So - lets start #Reverb14 with a bang!

At the start: Where did you start 2014?  Give us some background on this year.

Wow! The start of 2014 was a crazy ride. Literally! With a job offer I couldn't refuse, we packed up everything we had, Hubby in the moving truck and me in the car, and we moved back to Washington, after only a short 6 months living in Idaho. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done. When I was offered the job to come back, it took almost 2 weeks to make a decision. As we started on our journey, it only took 1 hour for me to start crying as we drove down the mountain. I was leaving my mom, my lil sister, my brother. The people I loved the most and had wanted to be closer to and suddenly I was leaving. It was definitely rough. But I got through it. I threw myself into my work to try and ease my stress.

Then February came. I've faced a lot of hardships in my life and gotten through every one of them. But February was the roughest thing I've ever experienced. After months of trying, Caveman and I were finally pregnant. And then suddenly we weren't. It was the hardest thing I'd ever experienced.

Its not how I wanted to start my year. Its not what I wanted to carry with me all year either. The start of the year followed me through the rest of the year and have partially held me back. Its time for them to move on though. Its time for me to move on. I want to refresh my mind and my outlook with what is left of 2014 and begin 2015 with the heart, mind, and courage I know I have inside me!

I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up...

I debated writing this. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts on why I shouldn't and why I should. but then I realized that this is my life, this is my release and this is what I want to say. I need to get this off my chest and this is where I go to do that! I'm keeping a lot of details to myself, but I feel just sharing a little will help me heal.

Most people who know us personally know that Caveman and I are trying to start a family. We've decided that if we keep 'waiting' for the time to be right, then we will be waiting forever. We've been able to tackle any obstacle that has come our way and know that we could do the same if there was a small one in our life. We've done so much and want nothing more than to share the world with a little 'squid'. All the travelling I was doing when we were in Idaho made it difficult for us to try, but we try we did!. And every month that 'Shark Week' came to visit was just another month that we would keep trying. Now, we haven't gone full crazy with trying to conceive. Yes, I have an app that tracks certain things, but we haven't gotten kits or tracked temperatures or anything like that. We've just been trying the old fashioned way!

A couple weeks ago, 'Shark Week' was supposed to come to town. Only, something was different. I was feeling nauseous, I was exhausted, and I was just feeling off. I thought maybe it was the flu that was going around or the fact that I was working so much, but a week into no 'Shark Week' and I realized what it was. I stayed calm and didn't want to tell anyone yet, but inside I was so excited to think it had finally happened.

Caveman took me to the store to get a test after about 10 days and I was kinda shocked when the first one said it was negative. But then I took a second test and it was a faint positive. I figured, after all I've read, that maybe it truly was too soon to tell and that we would just need to wait another week. Regardless though, this was slightly exciting and I was just trying to not get all gleaming! My Facebook feed has been a baby frenzy lately! Friends I know who were pregnant already were either finding out what they were having or having their babies in the last month (3 born in the last 3 weeks!!)- I was kinda excited to soon tell others we were next!

And then Super Bowl Sunday came. And I felt off - only this time it was a bad off. Suddenly I was having the worst cramps in the world. I hid it all day because I was just too excited for the game, but inside I felt like something was terribly wrong. When the game was over, Caveman drove us home and the cramps just got worse. I seriously thought my insides were turning upside down.

By morning, it had started. My body was giving up and whatever had started to grow inside me was coming out, and it was painful. The first few days I kept telling myself that maybe I was just imagining it. Maybe I just thought there was something there because I wanted it so bad. Maybe the first test I took was the right one and the second one was a trick. And then came the evidence, what I didn't want to see - and then came the tears.

After cleaning up and calming down, I called the doctor and explained everything and she confirmed what I didn't want to hear - I was having a miscarriage. It was early enough that she said my body would take care of it, but that I needed to keep a positive outlook. She said that obviously my body wanted to create something, but perhaps it just wasn't time yet. After all the stress I had been under, it was probably a good thing to happen now. Whether it was a good thing or not, it was still incredibly emotional. The worst part is I was at work and had to keep my composure so as not to break down in front of everyone.

The cramps and pain subsided by early Saturday morning. I had woken up at 3am and went and laid on the couch. As I laid there with my cat (the dogs were in the bedroom with Caveman), my phone went off. A good friend of mine, who I had told what was going on, had sent me the following picture. The truth in the image caused me to start crying - a good cry - a cry I needed to have on my own.

It hurts - its hard to know that my body gave up on something that I wanted so bad. But I also believe that when the time is right, the forces that be will let it happen. I need to remember that my life is already so full. When me and my body get on the same page, magic will happen and Caveman and I will get our wish.

Above all, this small experience has really opened my eyes to life, to my life. The stress I put myself under trying to be the damn best I can - Its led me to many things, but has lost me many things in the process. I need to remember that I'm just one person and I can only do so much. And had it not been for the amazing support of my wonderful husband and my best friend over the last few days, I probably would have lost it. Both of them have made this whole experience much easier to process and get through. I love them both so much for all the little things they say and do to make me feel better!

 I AM strong and I'm NOT giving up. I will think positively and continue to pray that the forces that be bless me and the Caveman when the time is right.

#Reverb13: Merry Christmas

Instead of a Reverb prompt for today, I wanted to instead wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Hope you all have a wonderful time with your families and Friends!

Merry Christmas from Hefinator and Caveman!

#Reverb13: Vacation

Another prompt from the lovely Hope from besottment by paper relics.

What was your most memorable trip in 2013?
Who were you with? Where was it? Why was it memorable?

This year, the Caveman and I took a honeymoon vacation. When we got married in 2012, it was so quick that we didn't get to take a vacation. So this year, we planned a 5 day vacation in Vegas for our honeymoon and I planned it over the weekend of Caveman's birthday.

Caveman is a huge fan of the Blue Man Group and has always wanted to see them live, so when I booked the trip I managed to score 2 free tickets to any Vegas show - and of course I picked the Blue Man Group. We didn't go see them until the night of Caveman's birthday, but we stayed in the same hotel, the Monte Carlo, that they perform and got to watch the parade they have around the casino floor each night! Even better is that when we were walking in for the show, we got a major upgrade in our seats and were way closer than what we got. For free tickets, it was amazing!

What made the trip extra cool was that one of my best friends and her husband (who played DJ at our wedding) came for the first couple days of the trip to help celebrate! Shopping, drinks, and good times with some great friends! It was a much needed and amazingly eventful trip! And, with the same friends that went with us, we decided to do at least a weekend trip to Vegas each year for one of our birthdays! There is SOOO Much to see and do in Vegas and we've only just scratched the surface. Its a great way to escape for a couple days and just let loose!

#Reverb13: Gathering

Today's prompt comes from Hope over at besottment by paper relics.

What was the most memorable gathering you attended (or held) in 2013?

The most memorable gathering from this year was a party at my Auntie Ardie's before Josh and I moved to Idaho. It was one of the rare times where ALL my cousins were together. We were still missing some of our family, like my Grammy, my parents, brother, sister, and my aunt Kelley. but overall, it was a great event! All the kids of the kids were there, there was food and good time. We all shared memories of when we were kids and as we were growing up.

I don't always get to see my cousins, so having us all together is great. It reminds me of when we were all younger and would hang out at Grammy and Grandpas in the summer or get together for holidays. There was just so much love and so many memories in that one gathering that I hope one day we can do a big family reunion with everyone!

#Reverb13: Habits

Taking it back to the olden days of #Reverb to a post from 2012 I want to revisit.

What is the single most important habit you intend to cultivate in 2014?

I set this one in 2013 and after reviewing it, I failed! I said I would develop a morning routine. Anyone who knows me, knows I am NOT a morning person. So, waking up at the butt-crack of dawn to get ready for work usually involves some hap-hazard dressing, brushing of teeth, quick brush of hair and maybe, not always, a bite to eat before I would head out on my way to work.

Now, while I look presentable and not smelly or dirty, its just not enough anymore. I need to be consistent on eating breakfast in the morning, because I know when I'm not that's when my snacking urges come throughout the day. I don't have a skincare routine, its usually just wash the face with soap and go - which I'm starting to see the negative effects of this. And the hap-hazard dressing? It just won't cut it anymore in my new role. I need to be up, alert, and presentable. Being in a lead role requires me to have a morning routine or I will just look like a hap-hazard goof!

So with that - 2014 will be the year of the morning routine! The goal is by the end of the first quarter, to finally have a morning routine that does the following:

• Wakes me up
• Makes me eat breakfast
• Makes me coordinate my clothes
• Have a skincare routine so my face is bright and pretty
• Prepares me for the busy days I'm guaranteed to have!

#Reverb13: Boldly Go

When I saw the title of today's prompt, I thought we would be talking about space - boy was I wrong! :)

What challenges lie ahead in 2014? How might you meet them boldly?

I thought 2014 would be an easy year. And already I'm finding that I was completely wrong! With a new role at work, and new responsibilities, I'm already seeing pockets of time where I am going to face struggles. Working through contracts, cultivating relationships with people on a different level than I'm used to, and finally putting all this business and drafting knowledge to its full test! Its new and exciting and I'm ready to take it all on and push through it! I know if I can get through it all, then I will be wiser and more prepared for each new challenge as the year progresses.

And work isn't the only challenge. I set a goal to Graduate this year. Until May 15th, I fear my free time will be wrapped up with completing the last 6 classes I have to finish. Its going to be rough, as these final classes are intense! But they will wrap up my Bachelor's in Business Management and put me on the path I know is right for me. A path that has taken me a lot of searching to get to, but one I know provides the most fulfillment for my life. I know it will be a difficult road to get to the end, but I know I have the support I need to push through and accomplish my goal!

#Reverb13: Autopilot

Reading today's prompt really struck hard. So much of life is repeatable that sometimes you don't even notice it!

Living life on auto-pilot can feel disorienting and dull. How did you cultivate a life worth loving during 2013?
How can you turn off your auto-pilot button in 2014?

So much of this year has been wash-rinse-repeat. For the first part of the year it was wake up at 5am, get ready for work, go to the bus station, spend an hour and a half on the bus (usually standing room only), get to work, work 9-10 hours, get back on a bus home (again, standing room only) and get home roughly 6:30pm - from there I would attempt to make dinner, or order in, sit with my laptop and do some studying, and then go to bed. It was the same, every day. On the weekends, I might get out for a little bit with the Caveman, but chances are I was working on the house cleaning and laundry that didn't get done during the week and then studying more. The disadvantage of accelerating through my program is that my homework load is more than I've ever had before. 20-30 hours of studying a week, on top of a full time job, I just didn't have time for anything else this year. Even after we moved and I worked from home, I still had a similar schedule. And I found that because I didn't have a commute anymore, I worked more hours trying to get things done. My previous 40-50 hour work weeks were turning into 50-60 hour work weeks. And then, because of Caveman's work schedule, I didn't have a car to go do anything when I finished work or the weekends.

I missed out on a lot in 2013 by being on auto-pilot. There was no cultivating of anything. I let a stale routine dictate my life. I let other forces control what I did on a daily basis. It wasn't fair to me or for the people around me. With all the positive that came in 2013, overall it was a very dull year.

In 2014, I will still have a routine. I need some sort of routine to get things done - but I'm going to be open for the spontaneous events. I'm going to end my 'Day' when I leave the office and see what happens for the evening. I'm going to force myself out of my house on the weekends, even if just to take the dogs for a walk.

#Reverb13: Inspiration

Today I decided to only do half of the prompt. But regardless, its still a great response!

Who inspired you in 2013? And why?

This year, a close friend suffered an event that most people wouldn't recover from. My husbands dear friend Luis, the man who married us, who I consider my friend as well, suffered a stroke earlier this year. For a man who is far more active than the average human being, it was a hard thing to understand for some of us.

Being a man of pure joy and excitement, it was hard to learn of this event. But then, he started posting on Facebook. iPad in hand and a determination to keep forging ahead, he posted updates daily about his progress! this is a man who was not going to let a little thing like a stroke bring him down. It was awe-inspiring how he handled the situation and didn't let it bring him down (at least he didn't let it show).

This is a man who less than 3 months after having a stroke, he ventured for the road trip and ensuing camping event to attend Burning Man! BURNING MAN!!! I'm a perfectly able person and even I haven't made that adventure!

Luis is an amazing person. His courage, strength, patience, and humor are extremely motivating! I can only hope that one day I can be as proud of my life as he is with is!

#Reverb13: Popchix Community!

I thought today I would do another throwback prompt from the early #Reverb days. This prompt comes from Cali Harris from the first #Reverb back in 2010.

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with next year?

While I've been a member of the Popchix for a couple years now - none have been more involved than this year! Popchix is a social group for woman who play video games and all the things that interest us. And we come from all over the world, with varying ages, skills, lives. Its a hodge podge of awesome all mixed together!

For over a year now, there has been a huge refresh of the community page and the people involved. And this year, I've become more involved by participating in more posts, writing articles, connecting more with the ladies involved, and really developing some super awesome friendships! Its a community where I finally feel like I belong. It took me a while to find my comfort zone with them, but now I couldn't imagine not having this group in my life! I only hope that next year brings more awesome things for all of us!

#Reverb13: Reveal your selfie

This one took me a while, as there were a LOT of pictures taken this year. Even better is while normally I don't like my own picture taken, this year I actually started warming up to the camera more. I think I found a picture that truly is the best from 2013!

Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2013, self-portrait or otherwise!

So - I couldn't pic just one! I actually have 2 favorite pictures of just me from this year, for 2 very good reason. There is the 'peaceful' me and then there is the 'wild' me. And these two pictures capture each side! (*note: I'm not very 'wild' - but get me in any form of arcade and I'm a wild winner!!*)

A summer evening walk around Lake Union - totally my element: Sunshine, Water, and Peace!

Happy Birthday to me! Take me to an arcade and I'll be a ticket winner ALL NIGHT!

#Reverb13: Memories

This year, there were tons of memories. I spent a lot of time with friends and family. I had a number of accomplishments and good times. I had a lot of rough times that are memorable because of the learning experiences. But nothing compares to some memories from this year.

Which memories from this year do you wish to keep with you always?

Here is my cheesy moment of the year. While there are a lot of memories that I will keep from this year, the memories I am enjoying the most are the ones with my niece and nephew, Reyna and Ken. I love those 2 kids so much! my best friend and her hubby made 2 amazing children that I love to spoil like crazy! This year in particular, I have been able to spend way more time with them than previous years. And the best part is that they are old enough now to remember spending time with me!

I get so excited when I get to visit them, because even if its just a short visit, its still time with them that I get! I get to see them tomorrow when I go down and visit for my best friends birthday and I can't wait! This month is a rare occasion where I get to see them 2 weekends in a row! Next weekend I get to go down and celebrate early Christmas with them, since I won't be in town for this year. My best friend and her husband work so hard to take care of their family, so for me it is such a joy to be able to buy some things the kids want and/or need that maybe mom and dad can't get them. They never know the difference, but I know their parents appreciate it and it warms my heart to be able to help such amazing people in my life!

#Reverb13: Risk

I was so excited when I saw today's prompt! Boy is it relevant to this year! I could write about it all day, but instead I'll keep it short and sweet!

What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome?

Most people who know me know that my family (mom, step-dad, brother, and sister) all moved to Idaho when I was 20. So for the last 9-ish years, I haven't lived near them. I've talked about moving to Idaho but never have ripped the band-aid off and just done it.

In February of this year, Caveman and I were in Idaho for our regular trip. We've talked about possibly moving to Idaho one day, but never really seriously talked about it. After the first day of our week long vacation in Idaho, he comes up to me and asks when we were moving - in all seriousness!! Before we left that week, we had a plan to save money and move when our lease was up in June, a plan to talk to my company about letting me work remotely, had started house hunting, and Caveman was already applying for jobs!

I don't want to get into all the details, cuz I could be here all day, but there were 1000 things that could have gone wrong with us moving. Thankfully not all of them happened, but it also wasn't all sunshine and roses with our move. Its been a huge learning experience for us. The whole move was a giant culture shock. We are city kids who live in a technology world (heck, i WORK as a technology consultant!) and suddenly we were living in the mountains on a dirt road with dial-up speed internet. Yes, we were closer to my family, but that didn't take away that the daily routine, the area we were used to, and the way of living we had lived for so long were all turned upside down!

After just 6 short months, we are moving back to Washington. However, the move back was prompted by a once-in-a-lifetime promotion and significant raise from my company. Something I did not want to miss my chance to take and advance my career. Its sad that we only were in Idaho for 6 months, but the opportunities this new endeavor provides means that I can visit my family far more frequently than what I was able to previously!

#Reverb13: Letter from My Heart

Today's #Reverb prompt from Kat McNally is about listening to your heart. I listened and here is what it had to say.

What does your heart have to tell you?

Hey, you - yeah, YOU! Are you listening to me? Good. Boy do we need to have a talk. I know we haven't always been on the best terms, but I have some things I need to get off my chest. We've had some fun! We enjoyed the company of others and I introduced you to a whole group of wild and fun people. I even brought in people who you still hold dear and talk to with daily! But that's not what I want to talk about. 

I know, I know - I led you down some rough paths in the past. I apologize. I know that I let some people in who tried to destroy us. But if you think it hurt you, think about how much it hurt ME? I'm the one who was left crumbling to pieces when people left, when damaging words were sent our way, when horrible acts came our way. When you thought your world was dark, it was because I was hiding and crying in a dark corner. I feel like I let you down and I felt horrible about it. I'm sorry. I hope you know that. I never meant for us to get hurt. I never meant for people to harm us. I never meant for either of us to be sad. And when those things happened, I took the brunt of it.  

But YOU weren't any better. You kept me in the dark and closed the door. You locked me away and prevented me from healing. You blamed ME for all the pain and wouldn't let me come out anymore. I had to peek through the keyhole to see what was going on in your life, in OUR life. That's not the way our relationship is. Its not how it should work. I understand I let a lot of pain come our way, but you didn't have to punish me in the process. 

But even after all the pain, I have to thank you for finally letting me out. I learned a lot while I was hiding in the dark. I learned that I hurt you and needed to start thinking about US, instead of ME. I learned that I need to rely on other parts to make a decision. I realized that I needed to listen more and talk less. I think I've made up for the past. I've kept the good people in our lives and purged the bad ones out. I hope you don't mind - I felt it was for the best.  

And the best part, I brought someone into our life who was able to fix me! I feel like a brand new me! He sure is an awesome fellow. And I know that you like him too, because you let him join me in here - now its like a party all the time. Me and him are like 2 peas in a pod - having fun and enjoying every adventure that life throws at us.
I'm sorry for the pain in the past. I'm sorry for letting those other people in. But I'm happy that we learned from those situations and are able to be whole again!  

I love you. 

Sincerely,
Your Heart