#Reverb13: Risk

I was so excited when I saw today's prompt! Boy is it relevant to this year! I could write about it all day, but instead I'll keep it short and sweet!

What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome?

Most people who know me know that my family (mom, step-dad, brother, and sister) all moved to Idaho when I was 20. So for the last 9-ish years, I haven't lived near them. I've talked about moving to Idaho but never have ripped the band-aid off and just done it.

In February of this year, Caveman and I were in Idaho for our regular trip. We've talked about possibly moving to Idaho one day, but never really seriously talked about it. After the first day of our week long vacation in Idaho, he comes up to me and asks when we were moving - in all seriousness!! Before we left that week, we had a plan to save money and move when our lease was up in June, a plan to talk to my company about letting me work remotely, had started house hunting, and Caveman was already applying for jobs!

I don't want to get into all the details, cuz I could be here all day, but there were 1000 things that could have gone wrong with us moving. Thankfully not all of them happened, but it also wasn't all sunshine and roses with our move. Its been a huge learning experience for us. The whole move was a giant culture shock. We are city kids who live in a technology world (heck, i WORK as a technology consultant!) and suddenly we were living in the mountains on a dirt road with dial-up speed internet. Yes, we were closer to my family, but that didn't take away that the daily routine, the area we were used to, and the way of living we had lived for so long were all turned upside down!

After just 6 short months, we are moving back to Washington. However, the move back was prompted by a once-in-a-lifetime promotion and significant raise from my company. Something I did not want to miss my chance to take and advance my career. Its sad that we only were in Idaho for 6 months, but the opportunities this new endeavor provides means that I can visit my family far more frequently than what I was able to previously!

#Reverb13: Letter from My Heart

Today's #Reverb prompt from Kat McNally is about listening to your heart. I listened and here is what it had to say.

What does your heart have to tell you?

Hey, you - yeah, YOU! Are you listening to me? Good. Boy do we need to have a talk. I know we haven't always been on the best terms, but I have some things I need to get off my chest. We've had some fun! We enjoyed the company of others and I introduced you to a whole group of wild and fun people. I even brought in people who you still hold dear and talk to with daily! But that's not what I want to talk about. 

I know, I know - I led you down some rough paths in the past. I apologize. I know that I let some people in who tried to destroy us. But if you think it hurt you, think about how much it hurt ME? I'm the one who was left crumbling to pieces when people left, when damaging words were sent our way, when horrible acts came our way. When you thought your world was dark, it was because I was hiding and crying in a dark corner. I feel like I let you down and I felt horrible about it. I'm sorry. I hope you know that. I never meant for us to get hurt. I never meant for people to harm us. I never meant for either of us to be sad. And when those things happened, I took the brunt of it.  

But YOU weren't any better. You kept me in the dark and closed the door. You locked me away and prevented me from healing. You blamed ME for all the pain and wouldn't let me come out anymore. I had to peek through the keyhole to see what was going on in your life, in OUR life. That's not the way our relationship is. Its not how it should work. I understand I let a lot of pain come our way, but you didn't have to punish me in the process. 

But even after all the pain, I have to thank you for finally letting me out. I learned a lot while I was hiding in the dark. I learned that I hurt you and needed to start thinking about US, instead of ME. I learned that I need to rely on other parts to make a decision. I realized that I needed to listen more and talk less. I think I've made up for the past. I've kept the good people in our lives and purged the bad ones out. I hope you don't mind - I felt it was for the best.  

And the best part, I brought someone into our life who was able to fix me! I feel like a brand new me! He sure is an awesome fellow. And I know that you like him too, because you let him join me in here - now its like a party all the time. Me and him are like 2 peas in a pod - having fun and enjoying every adventure that life throws at us.
I'm sorry for the pain in the past. I'm sorry for letting those other people in. But I'm happy that we learned from those situations and are able to be whole again!  

I love you. 

Sincerely,
Your Heart

#Reverb13: One Word

For today's #Reverb I wanted to go back to where it all began, to the first prompt that started it all: One Word.

Encapsulate the year in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures next year for you?

I've chosen a lot of words over the last 3 years: Growth, Obstacles, Adventurous. But the one word that really captures 2013 is Change.

For me its not just the little changes, its the big changes too. This year, I picked up my whole life and moved it to another state and by the end of this year, I will have picked up everything and moved back to where I started. In between all that came serious changes at work. Lots of ups and downs, worry, contemplation, but culminating in a promotion of unimaginable awesomeness that all I see is more learning and growing in the future. All the while change came in my relationships, in my friendships, and in my marriage. Thankfully they have all mostly been positive changes, but its proof that change is everywhere and change can be good.

One year from today, when I sit down in December of 2014 and really look back at my year, I would like to have to say that my year was Claryifying. I feel there is so much that I need to sift through to really be able to feel comfortable in my own body and mind. Next year I will be 30, and there are many things I want in my life that I haven't yet accomplished because I've been working through the muck and procrastinating. I'd love to be able to finally organize and prioritize my time and efforts. I'm hoping 2014 will be the year where internal change happens to receive the clarity I need!

#Reverb13: Its the first day!

It's December, which means its time for #Reverb - a time to reflect on the year gone by and to set your mind, body, and soul at ease, ready to take on the coming year. This is my 4th year participating in #Reverb  and for the most part, I will be following the prompts provided by the lovely Kat Mcnally, who I followed last year as well. This year, I am really eager for #Reverb - I always feel so much clarity after a month of reflection and I really need that clarity in my life right now! So, without further ado - Day 1!

How do you feel, on this first day, in your mind? In your body? In your heart? In your soul?

In my Mind: My mind feels cluttered. There are so many thoughts, ideas, worries running rampant that I just feel cluttered. Its hard for me to pull the pieces apart and really examine what I need to lately. I am going through a major life transition right now, with a major move again and a huge work promotion, that everything else seems to be lost in the muddled mes of finding a home, learning new work tasks, and trying to stay caught up in school.

In my Body: Dear Body - please forgive me for treating you like such utter crap over the last year. I've fallen off the proverbial weight loss wagon, I've fed you miserable foods, I've not gotten enough sleep and over all I've neglected you. I am doing my best to find my footing again, to get you back to right again - just please bare with me. I promise that in the coming weeks, we will have our routing back, our healthy meals back, and plenty of exercise to keep you running smoothly.

In my Heart: There is no way to express the love in my heart. The rest of my being could be falling apart and an utter mess, but my heart is so full of love its unreal. My husband fills my heart with so much love and joy to keep me satisfied forever. but more than my husband, the love of my family and friends and the love I have for all of them. I'm truly blessed with the people I've chosen to have in my life, the people I keep in my life and those I spend time with. Its a wonderful feeling lately to have so much love in my life, when I think about the times where there was such darkness in my heart.

In my Soul: My soul needs some repair. To my, my Soul is a reflection of my Mind and Body - and as you've seen, they are in bad shape lately. I feel full, but incomplete. I feel over joyed, but lost. My soul is searching for a sense of meaning in between so many things going on in my life. Its been a roller coaster year and as a result, so many parts of me are in desperate need of attention. I need to start doing things for me. Paying attention to ME. Taking care of ME! Hopefully, at the end of this month, I will have better footing to start 2014 and to begin healing parts of me that need attention.

Find a man who will take care of you!

"You need to find a man who will take care of you!"

I've been hearing this phrase a lot lately. I have a number of friends who are single - some of them ending long term relationships that didn't work out, some of them getting divorced after realizing he wasn't the one, and some of them who still haven't found Mister Right Now and are waiting for Mister Rest of my Life.

By all means, I think every woman needs to find a man who will take care of her - the problem is the follow up to this phrase. Things like "Make sure he has a lot of money", "Make sure he makes enough that you can stay home", "Find a man who will buy you what you want in life". Why do people feel that men are only able to take care of a woman financially? I understand that if that's what you and your partner decide to happen, that's fine - but to set that as a goal in the beginning just gives me a twitch!

Why can't we tell women to find a man who will take care of them when they feel they have the plaque and look like they were run over by a bus? Or how about find a man who is willing to care for you during your seasonal depression days? Find a man who will take care of you when you just found out your grandma died and you are devastated. Find a man who will take you to Panda Express for your anniversary instead of a 5 star restaurant, because its more of who you are!

This phrase has been drilled into me since I was a teenager - when you look for the man you will spend your life with, find a man who will take care of you! I heard it from my parents, from teachers, from parents of friends, and even from older friends I made as I got older. Now, I'm no crazy feminist, but whats wrong with me taking care of myself?! Or better yet, why can't I take care of HIM??

You know what the most frustrating part of all this is? People still continue to tell me I need to find someone to take care of me - and I've been with my husband almost 5 years, married for 1! Some of the people who have said this to me are deep in my inner circle and I'm just flabbergasted by their comment.

I've known for years, since I first left for college, that I was going to have a career. I wanted to be a mom and have a family, but I would be a career woman and I would work hard for everything I have. Knowing that early in my life I also made a decision - when I'm in a relationship, I need to be with a man who is comfortable with the fact that I may make more than him! I'll admit, it was a bit rough in one relationship. The harder I worked and further I moved up in my company, the more money I made - and boy did he not like that! It caused a lot of tension from him. Sure, we were able to buy nicer things and he relished in the material items, but the fact that the woman wasn't in the kitchen making him dinner and that she made more than him was a BIG issue.

But I never wanted someone to pay for my bills and pay for my financial responsibilities! I wanted someone who love me for me. I wanted someone who would do the dishes without me asking. I wanted someone to pitch in with the house chores instead of saying that's the "woman's job". Someone who would make dinner for me after I had a rough day at work, knowing that I do the same for them!

When I met Caveman, he was exactly what I needed and wanted in my life. He was the calm to my fire! Nothing in our early days of dating revolved around finances. He didn't know or care how much I made and just treated me like a human. And the more time we spent together and more we realized that we would spend the rest of our lives together, we still never let finances control us. Even after he learned that I made significantly more than him, he still did everything he could to treat me like HE was a millionaire and I was a princess!

One thing I love the most about him is how he acts when he's not working. While my family and friends will pipe in with their comments about how he needs to be working to help me and to pay the bills and do his part - what they don't see is that he's home cleaning my house, doing the laundry, vacuuming, taking care of the dogs, has dinner ready when I get home, and on the rare occasion will make me breakfast or pack me lunch. Isn't that what any woman would want out of a man who isn't working!? Sure, he's putting in resumes, making phone calls, even an interview occasionally, but instead of just sitting at home like a blob and making me more stressed about our financial situation - he's taking care of ALL those little things that I'm thinking about in the back of my head that need to get done.

Switch the roles. Man is working, wife is home - aren't those things EXACTLY what she would be doing!? And people would praise her for being such a good wife! No one tells her that she needs to get a job and be working and helping pay the bills. She's taking care of the household while her husband is at work. She's making his life better and easier by handling the household duties. Why is it such a big deal if its the man doing those tasks?

I love my husband for everything he does. And I honestly, I feel he takes way better care of me than any guy I dated who was financially secure! When he is working, he's always there to pitch in with groceries and paying bills. When he's not, he's doing his job searches and being the most considerate house husband ever! (Side note: Caveman currently works full time hours and is gone for 12-13 hours a day, working hard! With both of us working full time, and we don't have a day off together, household chores are a bit slacking!)

Just because you feel you aren't being taken care of unless a man has money, doesn't mean the rest of the women in this world feel that. Look at the MAN, not his wallet! Look at his traits, not his bank account! Its 2013 people, not 1950! GET OVER IT!